If you were unhappy about the recent changing of the lunch lines, hold onto your hats. Starting Monday, April 8, the options just got smaller. 

Due to the average weight of every student being above 420 pounds, as seem in a recent survey, the student body has lost the ability to have any sort of carbs. 

Instead, there will be three salad lines offered with various forms of green combos in each. The snack line has been abolished completely, as there was not enough supply to keep up with the demands of these large children. 

The surging rate of obesity spreading throughout the school has left Maschio’s with no other choice but to quit completely, leaving us with a greenery supply from Emmit Paulus’ farm.

The new lines will be as follows: 

The far left line will have your choice of spinach: savoy, semi-savoy, and smooth-leaved at your reach. Calorie-reduced dressing made from a blend of juiced radishes and Stevia will be available, but don’t get ahead of yourself. Each student is allowed ⅛ tablespoon of dressing each day due to the cuts.

The middle line will be filled with a variety of kale: lacinato, tuscan, and cavolo! There will not be dressing provided for this line, as the kale has enough taste on its own. 

The right line, that used to serve hot lunch, will now only serve grated lettuce. There will not be an assortment of lettuce until the students earn the privilege. 

“Students these days have become accustomed to unhealthy dieting, and combined with an all time low number of players signed up for sports, the kids have become alarmingly rotund,” leader of the cafeteria John Quiñones said.

The lunch staff said that once they see changes in student weight, students will earn more organic dressing, and in the future we could be see a full teaspoon per student.

Consider this a wake up call for the entire student body: enough is enough.